Confession of a Teenage Lola...

Hello everybody, My name is Divina Gracia Dimaculangan. You can call me LOLA for short. I’m proud to say that I’m virgin but totally damaged. You know my mother taught me to always put a smile on my face. And one day she scolded me, and she asked me


“I’m already scolding you, why are you still smiling?”
And then I answered in a humble way…
“Isn’t it mother, you taught me that i should always put smile on my face?”
Then she laughed in vain… until she decided to bump her head against the wall. And you know what I did?
I JUST SMILED. :)

Then one day I decided to join a beautyless contest entitled, “Bb. Saranggola de Mercedez 2009” And I approached the information board and asked for an application form but you know I’m a scene queen, I said…
” Wahhh! Huhuhu. No! No! Huhuhu. Mother! Father! Huhuhu. Please! BIGYAN MO AKO NG APPLICATION FORM. UTANG NA LOOB!!!”
Presto, I got the application form. Here’s the copy of my application form:

Name: Divina Gracia y Dimaculangan
AKA: Lola
Age: Doesn’t Matter!
Sex: It’s complicated.
Color of eyes: Mocha brown blended with blackberry and dried peppercorn.
Motto: Thank you! and Congratulations!
Weight: Overweight.
Height: Height matters!
Nose: Noselift!
Color of hair: Greyish white and sky black.
Status: 36” 24” 36”???

Then after I filled up the Application form, I was interviewed by the program organizer…
“What is your edge against the other contestant?”
I was confused of the question at first but I inhaled all the air available there and I answered whole heartedly…
“Well I’m proud to say that my edge against the other contestant is, my edge is 18, and maybe i think their 19 and 20 years old respectively…”

Program Organizer: … ( Internal hemorrhage )

Then after that the day of the competition came… At first we have iven a chance to introduce ourselves…

“hello everybody, my name is divina gracia dimaculangan, kung ang babae ang tawag ay chick at ang lalaki ay may itlog, im proud to say that i’m chicksilog, chick na may itlog. at naniniwala ako sa kasabihan na “pag binato ka ng bato, batuhin mo ng dairy cream because it’s better to give than to receive. thank you!!!”

The second event was talent portion.. I was hesitant to pick a talent because most of talent are just the the same and they’re common…. so I chose a talent that is rare and unique…

” Alms, alms, alms, give me a piece of meat! Do you know my mother? Do you know my father? No! No! I did not cheated! I will never said that I love you!…”

Then the upbeat atmosphere turned into all soul’s day scene…. And I was happy, very happy, tehir speechless because of my talent. I saw that on my horoscope that, that scene will happen… Yes! I’m really a talented human being or should I say a talented human being?

And the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the announcement of winners ( By the way, we did not have Q&A portion, I don’t know why… what do you think? ) And the grotesquely bizzare award goes to… Divina Gracia Dimaculangan…

“Wahhhhhhhhh!!!” That’s my reaction….

“????????…….” That’s the audience reaction….

After the competion, i went back to our house, and I saw our dog. Her name is Butchokoy, she’s an eyskal. But she has a breed, Gardenia… That’s her favorite breed.

And my mom enter the dragon scene, she asked me:

Mom: “Hey you!”
Me: “Me?!”
Mom: “No! YOU!”
Me: “Yes, ME!”
Mom: “i said YOU, not ME! Boba!”
Me: “Ayyyy. ok”
Mom” “where have you been? i thought youve been raped! you don’t even ask permission. what if they’ll chop chop you huh?!”
Me: “Whatever mother? Youre such a commoner! Youre over acting, as if youre an actress! go to US mother, you can sell hotcakes there! Just promise me to name your hotcake stand GARDENIA: Kahit walang palaman!”
Mom: “Boba! US nga edi dapat english! GARDENIA: Even if there’s no flesh around”
Me: “ayyy. ganda! ( lumabas ang dugo sa kanyang mga sweat glands… palpitation… respiration… condensation… condensada… ALASKA )
+
The next day, i went to the hospital… I saw this friend of mine, shes a nurse…

Me: Hey friend!
Friend: Hi friend ( beso beso. )
Me: Its been awhile ahh.
Friend: Oww. Wait friend… ( talking to another person ) Hey! Kunin niyo na ang BP, kelangan makuha na yun. Yung BP ok? Mahirap na!
Me: Friend! Asan ba si BP? Bakit niyo siya hinahanap? Gusto mo tulungan ko kayo maghanap kay BP. ( sumigaw siya… nagsisigaw ng malakas sa hospital… ) BP… Asan ka na? Maawa ka samin! Magpakita ka na BP. Have mercy BP.
Friend: Ayyy. Tanga!

I decided to go to the inauguration of Mr. Barrack Obama… And unfortunately, the judge who was suppose to inaugurate Mr. Obama died because of mild toothache. And by lottery method, i was the one who inaugurated mr. barrack obama. isnt that amazing? AMAZING!

And Mr. Barrack Obama announced something special…

BO: People of the world, meet my long lost daughter… Divina Gracia Dimaculangan… AKA Lola.
Me: Hwattt? Are you nuts? Are you charcoal?
Audience: Owss? Tutu mu ita?
BO: Yes! 101% true!
Me: Uroo? Sure ka mu Barrack?!
Audience: Maniwala kami! Magmais ka mo eeh!
BO: ( naglupasay si obama… nag iiyak iyak!! ) huhuhu! its true! why are you forsaking me! how dare you, you dare me!!! ( then he decided to stabbed himself into pieces, by using the propeller of the helicopter… )

Then the Pope, called madison square garden live via satellite… and said that I WILL BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA home based edition….

And the next day my ex-boyfriend called me… he begged me to be with him again… and he told me that he realized that he loved me so much… and i pity him so much… and i said to him..
Me: Pumunta ka ng airport, sumakay ka ng barko, pumunta ka ng Thailand. PAKAMATAY KA!!!

Me: hello friend… yes friend.. yes.. im sorry wrong number…

And the next caller came in…

Me: hello? oww friend. is that you friend? yes friend… yes friend.. ou, friend. gusto kong ipapatay si Bogart. Gusto ko pinadala mo sakin ang pugot na ulo niya, patay man o buhay…


”The end”